


Battle Scars

by MLHawke



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:46:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MLHawke/pseuds/MLHawke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Evie Trevelyan stepped out of the fade, little did she know she was stepping into some of the biggest events in anyone's lives. With the Inquisition's Commander at her side, could they manuver through the life-changing events? TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR CHAPTER 6: implied rape/abuse</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Evie_

Her eyes fluttered open once, then closed. She tried again to open them, but they wouldn’t obey. She saw blasts of green, and falling sky, and death when her eyes were closed. “Make it stop!” She wanted to scream, but her voice wouldn’t cooperate. All she could hear in her mind was the voice of the Divine. “Help! Someone please! Help me!”

She tried to move, but her body was unresponsive. Unwillingly, she felt herself slip back into a restless sleep.

* * *

When Evie Trevelyan’s eyes flitted open and stayed open, and she glanced around the room. It was a small cabin, and she was on a bed. She heard what sounded like a door creak open, and the shuffling of feet entering the room. She was greeted by a boy throwing himself on the floor, begging for her blessing, and saying Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast was waiting for her.

Slowly, with unsure footing, Evie made her way out of the cabin, and into the town of Haven. Crowds lined the streets saluting, offering allegiance, and referring to her as the Herald of Andraste. She found her way to the War Room, and immediate dropped her hands on the table, holding herself steady.

Chancellor Roderick was doing what he did best - yelling. Evie tried to block him out. Something about how she was the one to blame, and that thing on her hand… That thing. She grabbed her left hand and stared at it. There, blazing across the palm of her hand, was a large gash. She hadn’t been aware of how much her hand ached until that moment.

“I did everything I could to close the Breach. It almost killed me.” She heard herself say.

The Chancellor turned and aimed his fury at her. “And yet you live! A convenient result insofar as you’re concerned.”

Cassandra and Leliana, the spymaster that had come to Evie’s aid, fought back. Evie began mustering her strength  to be able to stand up to him. Cassandra slammed a large book down on the table between all of them. As she did, she invoked the memory of the Divine, and that of the Inquisition of Old.  “As of this moment, I declare the Inquisition reborn!”  Roderick surrendered and left the war room.

* * *

The preparations for war began. Troops began arriving at Haven daily. An Antivan ambassador, Josephine Montilyet was barking orders at anyone who walked by. The former Templar Knight-Commander from Kirkwall had joined the ranks of the small group of soldiers, and he led the training on a daily basis. Evie often found herself drawn to watching the troops work. They were slow and clumsy, but she observed improvements daily. Commander Cullen Rutherford was an excellent trainer.

Often, Cassandra could be found among the men and women of the infantry. She seemed comfortable with them. Evie had taken to making sure she went through the training yard daily to speak with Cassandra, and to observe the training. Lady Evie Trevelyan had been born among nobles, and should have had a decent amount of knowledge about what was happening around her. Instead, she grew up in the Ostwick Mage Tower, and battles were not common. She tried to study their moves the way she studied magic; watching, listening, drinking in each movement with her eyes.

“I could teach you, you know.”

“Hmm?” Evie jumped. How long had someone been watching her watch them? She looked behind her, discovering the man known as The Lion of Ferelden standing there.

“You come down to watch them train every day. I can teach you to fight.”

“Me? With them? No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She rubbed her left hand while looking down at the unhealing gash on it. “Besides, I couldn’t hold a sword up if… well… if my life depended on it.”

He smirked and let out a chuckle. “Well, at least let me show you how to hold one.” He motioned to someone to bring two training swords. While she looked like she might drop hers on her toes, his appeared to be a natural extension of him. She attempted to mimic his ease in holding it.

“Now… attack me.”  She did, rather ungracefully, the sword hanging heavy in her hands. She wasn’t weak, but the feeling was unnatural for her. He sidestepped her easily, and hit the sword out of her hand.

“I could do better if I used my staff… I won’t be using a sword anyway.” She tossed the sword into the snow, and picked her staff off the ground. She reminded herself to choose spells carefully - this wasn’t like a dulled sword. There were no practice spells she could cast that wouldn’t injure him.

They readied themselves. This time, he struck first, and with no warning. She defended with her staff, then swung it around to try and take his legs out from under him. Cullen was ready for her, and jumped over the staff. She reached out and struck him with a gentle ice spell. He had been trained to work through minor spells, and continue swinging his sword. Attack, block, parry, attack, parry. They continued the dance of combatants for several minutes, unaware of the crowd that had gathered to observe.

Finally, he swung his shield in an attempt to disarm her, and wound up hitting her lower leg. She cried out and fell to the ground. Caught up in the adrenaline, he tackled her and pinned her down, knocking the staff out of reach, and had a Spell Purge prepared just in case.

The crowd cheered, breaking Cullen’s concentration. Evie moaned. “Cullen… Cullen, I think you broke my leg.”

“Maker’s breath. No…” He kicked himself off her. “Where did I…?” He patted her shins while she sat up. “Oh, Herald, I -”

She sucked in air.

“I am so, so sorry.”

“Ow! There! Ohhhh…” She fell back into the snow.  He continued to poke at her leg. “COMMANDER! That HURTS.”

He let a cockeyed grin escape.  She hissed in again, but this time, it wasn’t caused by the pain. Her close proximity to him was not lost on her. “It isn’t broken, just badly bruised. You’ll have a pretty big bruise for a while.”

"A healer now, are you?” She couldn’t take her eyes off him. The weeks spent watching him from yards away, and always talking with him at a professional distance, did not prepare her for this. She never got to see him smile. It was different, and… nice.

He stood, and offered her his aid in getting up. She didn’t want to appear as bruised as her ego felt, so she stood mostly of her own accord, leaning on him only when she had to put weight on the injured leg to stand. He was still standing close enough that she could feel his hot breath on her hair. When she was sure she was steady, she looked for her staff. Cullen had it ready for her to take, and she was sure she’d need the support to get to the healer to get something to dull the pain. He offered to walk with her.

“No, no thank you Commander. You’ve done quite enough for one day.”

As she hobbled away, she heard him chuckle softly. And then, the familiar orders were being shouted again.

“Attack! Block! Parry! Attack! Parry!”


	2. Chapter 2

_Evie_

She woke up feeling hazy, and unable to get her bearings. She propped herself up on her elbows, opened her eyes and squinted; the sun was brighter than she would have liked. The slight movement hurt, her ribs, her arms, her back, and even her legs. She let out a low groan of discomfort. She started when she heard something rustle in the room nearby. When she saw him laying on her couch, the night came back to her.

_She had gone to the commander’s office to review reports, and found he wasn’t there. She had decided to wait for him; her body was so sore from the latest missions, she couldn’t bring herself to move more than she had to. She had pulled a book off the stacks he had near his desk, and tried to settle into the comfort of his chair. The large gash spanning her upper back made it difficult, as did the chill in the air. Wrapping her shawl a little tighter around her shoulders, she wished Cullen had a blanket handy. She tried to get comfortable, but it was just too chilly for her. How he tolerated that drafty tower, she would never understand. Sighing, she stood again, and tossed to book onto the desk._

_Though she hated the idea of invading his private space, Evie climbed the ladder to the lofted sleeping area. Each rung was a feat unto itself, her cuts, bruises and sore muscles arguing with each step. Kidnapping the warmest blanket she could find on his bed, she returned to the chair, picked up the book, she let out a sigh, and settled in._

The next thing she knew was she had just woken up in her own bed, in the same clothes she’d worn to his office, still wrapped in the same blanket, and Commander Cullen Rutherford was asleep on her couch, under the blanket from her bed. She sat up farther, stretching her arms skyward, and arched her back. The injuries she sustained protested, and her body seized in reply. As she did, she noticed a book on her bedside table that hadn’t been there previously. She reached for it with as few movements as possible, and noticed a piece of paper peeking out from behind the cover. She recognized the book as the one she had selected from the commander’s library the night before. Opening the book, Cullen’s elegant script, though it appeared to be hastily written, peered up from a piece of her stationery:

* * *

    Inquisitor,

    Had I known you were back from the Western Approach, I would have stayed to greet you with the others. I wasn’t expecting you back for two more days, at least, so I went on a training exercise with the troops, and we arrived back late.

    I had been (scratched out words) waiting to see you back in one piece. I overheard something about a High Dragon? We can review reports another time. I’ve left them on my desk. I want to know how you are doing.

    You’ve selected an excellent read - It’s one of my personal favorites. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

    - Cullen

* * *

 

 Another quiet groan escaped Evie’s lips as she laid back down clutching the book and note. The bang of a door in the hallway alerted her that someone was coming. She heard a shuffling up the stairs to her room, accompanied by the sounds of clinking dishes. Leliana’s hooded head poked up behind the railing, “Good morning, Inquisitor! You slept through breakfast, so I thought I’d - OH!” As she came around the turn towards the bed, Leliana noticed Evie had company. “Oh Evie! I wouldn’t have come up if I had known.. I-”

“No! Maker, no, no. I’m not sure what happened. I... Ow, ow, ow...“ She pushed herself up to a sit again, to prove that she was still fully clothed and nothing scandalous had happened. Lowering her voice so not to wake Cullen, she started to recall what had happened the previous night. However, she couldn’t explain how she’d ended up back in her room, nor did she know why the leader of the Inquisitions military forces was asleep on her couch. “I will admit, Leliana,” Evie whispered to her friend and confidant, “I am not going to complain that he is here. I definitely find him attractive, and fun, and I think we are all aware of how handsome he is.” Her voice trailed as she glanced at the sleeping man. “ I feel as though he and I are locked in a dance. A flirtatious dance, and we don’t know what the next step is.”

A knowing smile crept across the Orleasian bard’s face. “He worries about you, you know.”

“He what?” Leliana set the tray of food on the bedside table, and sat on the bed. “He worries? About me?” Evie was puzzled.

“When you are away. He worries, though he’d never admit it. He intercepts your reports as they come in, or any others from wherever you are, before anyone else can reach the messengers.” Leliana grinned.

Evie slowly reached for the tea on the breakfast tray. “I just want things to be normal. I didn’t ask for this title or role. The timing of this is just so… It’s so bad.” She paused for a second before continuing, “I never would have met him if I weren’t here. He would have had no reason to come to Ostwick Circle, and were it not for the mage rebellion, I wouldn’t have gone to leave for the conclave to try to broker peace. I don’t think I can protect everyone, Lil. I feel like I need to protect everyone. Protect him. For some reason, the Maker’s Will, Andraste, or poor timing, I don’t know, but here I am. And the more I know him… I just… I mean…” She could feel tears starting to well, and a burning sensation growing in her face. She looked down, wiped her eyes, and took a deep breath that got stuck in her throat. “Leliana, I’ve never felt like this for anyone before.”

Leliana put her hand on Evie’s shoulder to comfort her friend, but the intended comfort backfired. Her hand landed squarely on top of a bruise, causing Evie to cry out. “Evie, you are very injured. Let me speak with Josephine about clearing your schedule for the next couple of days so you can rest.” And with that, Leliana was out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evie and Cullen find some time to get to know each other.

_Evie_

When she had a few moments that no one was looking for her, asking for her, begging her for advice, Evie sought solitude in a secret library she had stumbled upon in the lowest floor of Skyhold. It was quiet, and gave her space to think. The kitchen staff were the only people ever on that floor, and they were only worried about what type of dessert the Inquisitor would want on any given day. Or why all the bread was on the battlements. She made a mental note to talk to Cole about that.

She would quietly sneak into the kitchens stores, where she knew she could always find a special treat tucked away for her by the head cook. Today, Evie said a silent thank you as she sidled back out of the kitchen. The chef had managed to squirrel away a whole bowl of strawberries. She even took the time to cut the greens off them, so Evie popped one in her mouth, and closed her eyes as she practically danced through the large open room toward her private study, basking in the almost sinful flavor of a fruit her companions probably haven’t seen in months..

“Inquisitor?”

A male voice startled her out of her daydream. Her eyes shot open, startled.

Cullen. What was he doing here? His place was in his tower, or on the fields… or sleeping on her couch… Her heart fluttered at the memory.

“Commander! I didn’t... I mean... what are… Hi!” She tripped over her words. She was never very good with those anyway. She tried to hide the bowl of berries behind her back.

“Cullen. Please.” He smiled gently. “What are you doing down here?” He took a small step in her direction.

“I.. um… I… could ask you the same thing!” She quickly turned over the idea of offering him a strawberry.

“Oh, I… came to see what was on the dinner menu tonight. Ah.. for the troops, I mean.”

“I see.” She looked at the floor, kicking at the dust and stones. “Would you… like one?” She presented the small bowl of ripe fruit from behind her back.

“Maker… Where did you get those?” Cullen’s eyes were wide with surprise, and shining like a small child with a new toy on Wintersend. He plucked one out of the bowl without her having to ask again and bit into it. Evie smiled to herself when she saw the juice run down into his facial stubble. “Mmm.”

“Cook set them aside for me as a treat. A wonderful treat it was to find, too! Come, sit with me, and we can share them.”

Cullen looked around the empty room. “Where shall we sit?”

“Follow me.” She bit into another strawberry as she continued her walk across the room to her library. The heavy door creaked open, and the dust caused Cullen to cough.

“Maker’s breath!” He exclaimed as he brushed the dust out of his face. “What is this room?” Evie shot a few flames from her fingertips, the fire finding the candles though she’s done this hundreds of times.

“Amazing, isn’t it? I found it while exploring one day. No one really knows it’s here. I come down here when I need to escape from the reality that is now my life.” She sighed and made her way to a wooden desk. After setting the strawberry bowl down, she pulled a book off the shelf. “Look at some of these. ‘Blood and Stone: A Brief History of Orzammar.’” She slid the book back on the shelf. “I’ll bet no one has read these in over 50 years! ‘The Art of…YIKES!’” She blushed a deep red. “We’ll… just leave that one riiiiight there. Don’t ask.”

He shot her a questioning look, and shrugged, “I should guess it has been a while!” Cullen dragged two chairs to the desk and sat. “Why is this the place out of all places in Skyhold you chose to spend your time?”

“It’s quiet. It… kind of reminds me of home...” She trailed off as she found her seat.

“Home? But why would - oh.” Cullen stopped himself before finishing the thought.

“Yeah. Mage, remember?” She wiggled her fingers and made a fake scary face at him. “I’d think that you of all people would be able to recognize a mage when you see one.” She grabbed a strawberry and popped it into her mouth.

He rubbed the back of his neck as she watched him. “Yeah, I just wasn’t really thinking.” She nodded to herself, thinking she totally understood that feeling when he was around. Something about spending time with him and no one around made her heart skip a beat. “So,” he cut into her thought. “Tell me more about you.” He ate a strawberry.

“Well,” she thought for a moment, offering him another piece of the delectable fruit, “I was born into a noble family, but I wouldn’t know anything about it. I have three brothers, that I know of. Maybe more after I went to live at the Circle. My parents stopped writing when I was about 15, but I think their letters were more of a formality. Keeping up appearances and all that. My brothers were all older than me, but we were still young enough to not really understand what was going on.” She thought for a second. “Well, one is only older than me on a technicality. We’re twins, and he was born first. I swear, he pushed me out of the way when we were born.”

Cullen laughed for a second, and her heart soared. It was the most beautiful sound she had heard in a long time. She looked away when he caught her watching.

“How old were you when the Templars… when you starting showing signs of magic?”

“Young. It was just after my sixth birthday. I’ll never forget the look on my fathers face. I still can’t tell if it was embarrassment or anger, and it was probably both. We were out walking the grounds of our estate, when I accidentally set my dress on fire. I still have a scar on my left thigh from that.” She grabbed another berry and bit it. “Shomthing tellsh me I’m going do have a wot more of doshe when dish is all over.” She wiped the juice off her chin. “My back is still healing from that dragon claw mark, and that was three weeks ago!”

Instinctively, she rubbed her marked hand, but winced when she did. She motioned to her shirt. “I am glad Josephine was able to have someone tailor me some looser shirts to wear. These ones just pull over my head and lace up the front and… Oh! I’m boring you.”

Cullen sat forward in his chair, shook his head, and smiled. “On the contrary. I’m rather enjoying seeing you so relaxed.”

“What about you, Commander? Tell me about you.” She took one more of the juicy red fruits and offered the commander the last one.

“I was recruited to the Inquisition in Kirkwall, myself. I was there during the mage uprising - I saw firsthand the devastation it caused. Cassandra sought a solution. When she offered me a position, I left the Templars to join her cause.” He plucked the last berry out of the bowl.

“Everything’s a mess. The conclave destroyed, a giant hole in the sky… Things aren’t looking good. I only hope I can help.” Evie hung her head, but then looked back up at him. “Please, Commander, tell me about something happier. You have siblings?”

“Cullen, please. Call me Cullen. And yes. Two sisters, and a brother. They moved to South Reach after the Blight, but I… I do not write to them as often as I should.” He stood up and partially pulled another book off the shelf. “Oh, wow! This is an atlas of Thedas written before Ferelden even existed! And look at this one! These are some amazing books!”

The two spent a little while longer browsing the library’s long forgotten book collection. They discussed stories they enjoyed as children, their families (mostly Cullen's), differences between the Circle towers in Ostwick, Kinloch Hold, and Kirkwall, as well as favorite foods. Finally, they managed to locate an old chess board and pieces. They set the board up, but never started playing. Evie was too shy to try to play, as she didn’t know a thing about the game. She wasn’t one to enjoy looking inept in front of others. Especially someone that made her heart flutter when he spoke.

A noise came from the large room outside the library. Cullen went to look, and saw the kitchen staff bringing dinner up for the Lady Inquisitor, her Advisers, and her friends. “Makers breath! Is it that time already?!” He gasped. “Inquiz - Evie. I have to be going. You can go up first and I’ll follow in several minutes if you’d like.”

She came to the door and rested her head against one of his muscular shoulders. “Cullen, don’t be silly. We can walk to dinner together, like normal friends.” She handed him his pauldrons, wondering when he’d even taken off parts of his armor. She pushed him out the door before dampening the candles with a wave of her hands. Then, pulling the heavy door closed, she heard the sound of his armor latching back together. Evie took a few lighthearted steps past him towards the stairs, before turning to go back to him. She stood silently in front of him for a moment, then, grabbed one of his gloved hands.

 "Well? You coming?”


	4. Chapter 4

_Evie_

 “As leader of the Inquisition, you…” Cullen let out a deep sigh and hung his head. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Evie strode through the room towards Cullen’s desk. When he addressed her as Inquisitor, she knew this was about business, so she did her best to put her Inquisitor facade on. “Whatever it is, I’m willing to listen.” Her heart leaped to her throat. He looked like he was struggling with whatever he needed her to know. He rubbed the back of his neck, as she had noticed he often did when he was uneasy or nervous.

“Right. Thank you…” He looked at her deeply for a moment, before looking away, and motioning to an open wooden box on his desk. “Lyrium grants Templars their abilities, but it controls us as well.”

Evie nodded. This wasn’t a surprise to the mage. Cullen went on. “Those cut off suffer - some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source for the templars here,” Cullen continued factually. “But I…” He paused, and she expected him to look up at her, “no longer take it.”

He didn’t look up. He just stared at the desk. Evie’s mind raced. “You stopped?” Panic began to spread through her body. She wanted him to look at her. She willed him to look at her.

“When I joined the Inquisition. It’s been months now.” He still didn’t look up.

“Cullen, if this could kill you -” _Please look up. Please look up. I’m worried about you._

“It hasn’t yet!” He snapped back. “After what happened at Kirkwall, I couldn’t… I will not be bound to that life - or the Order - any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it.” Finally, he looked up. His face was firm. Resolute. His decision had been made. “But, I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I’ve asked Cassandra to.. watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved of duty.”

Evie was worried only about Cullen, and the suffering this was going to bring him - was already bringing him. “Are you in pain?” Her brow was furrowed and her lips curved downward. Immediately, she knew the answer. Of course he was in pain. The physical pain, the nightmares, the sweating - the withdrawal symptoms were known to her from her years of study at Ostwick.

“I can endure it.”

_I don’t want you to endure it. I want to end it._ “Thank you for telling me. I respect what you’re doing.” _I want to take the pain away from you. Let me help you through this._

“Thank you, Inquisitor.” He almost smiled at her. _Stop calling me that. I’m Evie, I’m just Evie._ She wanted to shout at him, but he continued on. “The Inquisition’s Army must always take priority. Should anything happen… I will defer to Cassandra’s judgement.”

“Comman-” Evie stopped herself. She didn’t want this to be formal between them. “Cullen. Would you… walk with me?”

She moved towards the door, and looked to see if he was following. He moved out from behind his desk, and together, they walked out onto the ramparts, through a ramshackle room that had yet to be cleaned out and made useful, and made their way down the steep stone steps. They silently passed the tavern. Slowly, they walked through the training yard and then turned to walk up to the stairs leading to the main entrance of Skyhold’s Great Hall. When they reached the first landing, Evie stopped and looked out over the yards.

“The only setbacks we have in life are the things we allow to be defined as setbacks.” She turned to look at him, wind pushing pieces of auburn hair into her face that had fallen out of her short ponytail. “We can’t choose how things affect us and we can’t choose the cards we are dealt in life, but we can accept them and play the best game possible.”

“Those are very wise words.” He pushed the hair out of her eyes, and she thought her knees would buckle. She could feel the pink coming into her cheeks. “I… we… the Inquisition, that is… We’re lucky to have you.”

Evie all out blushed, and shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. I shouldn’t be in charge of all this. Lyrium or no lyrium, you would be far better suited for this position. But, I’ve learned that sometimes… we just have to deal with who we are, and what life hands to us. You had the choice to join the Templars. I didn’t have a choice about going to the Circle. I didn’t have a choice about seeing everyone… about what happened at the…” She looked away. Cullen guided her face back towards him, his gloved thumb and finger on her chin.

“That wasn’t your fault, Evie. It wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want to believe that when we first met, but I know it to be the truth now.” He took her hand and guided her up the rest of the steps. _This. This is all I want._


	5. Chapter 5

_Evie_

  
She finally felt she had mustered enough courage. She was going to go and chat with Cullen. She was going to lay it all out on the… well, on the table, so to speak. _By the Maker’s shiny gold cutlery… what am I doing?_ She paced nervously outside his door before slipping inside quietly. Cullen was there studying something on his desk, men all around. She was almost relieved, thinking she wouldn’t have to have this conversation right now. The commander half glanced up. “Was there something you needed?”  
  
Evie cleared her throat. “I thought we could talk. Alone.”  
  
“Alone?” He looked up all the way. He half smiled when their eyes met. “ I mean… of course.”  
  
The two of them strolled slowly onto the battlements. “It’s a nice day,” Cullen remarked, while rubbing his neck.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Its…” He started again. “There was something you wished to discuss.” He stopped walking.  
  
 _Here we go…_ Evie turned to look at him. “Cullen, I care for you, and…” She let out a small sigh.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“You left the templars, but do you trust mages?” _Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe I’m imagining this._ “Could you think of me as anything more?”  
  
He rubbed his neck again. “I could. I mean, I do… think of you. And what I might say in this sort of situation.” He looked at the stones below them.  
  
“What’s stopping you?”  
  
“You’re the Inquisitor. We are at war. And you… I didn’t think it was possible.”  
  
“And yet, I’m still here.” Her breath quickened, and the words were little more than a whisper.  
  
He took a step closer. And a step closer still. “And so you are. It seems too much to ask. But I want to -” He leaned in. Her heart was pounding.  
  
“Commander! You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana’s report.” One of Cullen's underlings ran up to the couple. Evie looked away quickly, trying to hide her face, trying to cover her disappointment.  
  
Cullen turned around slowly. “What??” Evie had never heard him sound so irritated, ever.  
  
“Sister Leliana’s report. You wanted it delivered ‘without delay.’”  The commander stared down the  man, who didn’t seem to realize what he had stumbled into until he looked back and forth between the Inquisitor and the Commander several times. “Or… to your office… right.” The man turned away and ran faster than Evie thought was natural for anyone to move.  
  
She looked up at Cullen. “If you need to -” She was taken aback by the sudden ferocity with which she was kissed. After searching for her bearings for what felt like minutes, she placed a hand on Cullen's arm and leaned into him.  
  
Almost as quickly as his mouth hit hers, it was gone. “I’m sorry…” He blushed. “That was… um… really nice.”  
  
 _That was really nice. Really, really nice._ “You don’t regret it, do you?” _He’s going to think this was a mistake._  
  
“No!” He answered, stepping into her again. “No. Not at all.” Carefully this time, a gloved hand reached for her hip, and pulled her into him. A mixture of hot breath and pounding hearts left Evie’s head spinning. In that moment, she only wanted him, and from what she could tell, he only wanted her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for implied rape/abuse
> 
> “I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” - Edward Everett Hale

_Cullen_

 

 _I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. Cullen put his book down on the desk and thoughtfully turned the words over in his mind._ This small passage reminded him of his place with the Inquisition. He was only one man. What could he do against the forces of evil? But yet, he is still one man, and there is something he can do. For now, it would be training the troops, looking after his friends, and… Evie.

Almost on cue, the horn announcing her return to Skyhold startled him back to reality. He pinched the bridge of his nose. Today was a bad day for him, the shakes and headaches that came with his withdrawal more pronounced than normal. She was early by almost a week, and he thought he would have more time to pull himself together. But, he was anxious to see her, so he pulled on his gloves and buckled his gauntlets around his muscular arms.

He expected to find her putting away her favorite mount, a wild hart she had managed to tame. She had named it Joey, which he couldn’t figure out, but the hart seemed agreeable enough to it. When the commander arrived at the stable, however, Horsemaster Dennet informed him that Josephine had brought Joey back to the stable, and the Lady Inquisitor had been brought straight inside to her quarters.

A wave of panic swept over him. That was very unusual. He raced up the first flight of steps he could find, which lead him into the kitchen. He paused only long enough to ask the cook if she had any treats set aside for the Inquisitor. The cook disappeared into the food stores and reappeared holding another bowl of beautiful red strawberries. Cullen smiled slightly when he saw them, and gently took the bowl as if the berries would crush in his battle worn hands. His shaking was bordering on uncontrollable, but he wasn’t sure if it was the withdrawal or nerves that made it worse.

He whisked past the door to Evie’s secret library, and blew up the stairs with all the speed he could muster. He banged through doors, racing to her room. His heavy steps up the stairs were met with hushed speaking, and a small entourage around Evie’s bed. Cullen did a quick headcount - Cassandra, Leliana, Dorian, Vivian, Varric and Josephine were gathered around the bed. He instantly recognized the pair of boots on the floor, with no legs coming out of them. He rushed to the head of the bed, setting the bowl of red fruit on the bedside table.

“What happened?” He barked at the crew around the bed. Evie’s eyes were closed, her face badly marked, and her robes were badly torn. She was covered in blood. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Commander,” Cassandra jumped in to answer the question, her voice cracking slightly. “Commander,” she tried again, “We… She’s alive, but she’s unconscious. We were on our way back from the Storm Coast when we were ambushed by a band of Red Templars.” Cassandra went on to explain that during a routine recruiting expedition, they were caught in camp in the middle of the night by a band of the disgraced Templars.

“How did you let this happen? There were three of you with her!” Cullen fell to his knees next to the bed. His head bowed, his hands clasped as if in prayer, he silently willed the shaking to stop. _How did this happen to you? I should have been there to protect you. I am only one, but I am one. I can do something._  “There were three of you, plus the officers stationed at the camp!” He can’t crack now. He can’t let them see how wounded he is personally by this. Not to mention, how big of a blow this could be to the Inquisition.

“Commander, she will improve, I assure you.” Vivienne’s voice cut into his thoughts. “Dorian and I have done our best work to minimize the damage.” _What is the damage? Broken bones? Deep lacerations?_

“Someone should stay with her… Someone should make sure she needs for nothing while she heals.” Leliana was practically whispering from behind Cullen. “Commander, she trusts you, I think, in a way she does not the rest of us. Perhaps you would be the wisest choice.”

“Yes. Yes, I will stay with her. I want someone from the service staff sent here every two hours starting at dawn.” Cullen stood and faced the others. “Please, send someone in as you leave. I need some things fetched out of my quarters. I will dine in here tonight, but please have two dinners sent up in case she wakes.” He turned back to the bed. “I will watch her tonight. And until she wakes.”

Silently, the others filed out the room. Only Cassandra remained behind to speak with Cullen further. “She will be glad you are the one that is here when she wakes.” He didn’t move.

“She has become important…” He choked, “...to all of us.” _She has become important to me._

“She has become important to you, especially.” He sucked in a breath while Cassandra continued, “It’s okay, Commander. You have become intensely important to her as well. I knew this would be hard on you.”

Cullen stayed silent. _Those cuts on your face don’t belong there. You are stronger than this. You are more than this._

“Cullen… They… did more to her than just physically beat her.” Cassandra paused, as he wheeled back around. “They beat her magic down. They used one ability after another until she was left defenseless. And then they… Dorian found her unconscious. She was in her tent, but there were three of them in there as well… there was blood...” She trailed off.

He remained silent as he tried to piece together what she was saying. It was something important, but between the headache, the shaking, and seeing Evie in this state, he couldn’t put it together. “Cassandra, please… I can’t…” He pinched the bridge of his nose with a shaking hand.

The seeker took a deep breath. “Cullen… They stole her, Cullen. They took her.” A long silence as he shook his head in sudden realization of what she was saying. “They took that which was not theirs to have.”

He sunk to the ground. His head was spinning now, and he thought he was going to be sick. Those men… those **monsters** he used to call his brothers… how could they have done this to her? The bile rose in his throat, and he couldn’t stop it from coming. He was sick on the floor. It kept coming. Cassandra stayed with him, directing servants to clean up, making sure he had wash basins and towels readily available. When he was able, he rose, washed his face, and bid Cassandra goodnight. Silently as shadows, Cassandra slipped out of the room.

Left in the silence, with only the sound of Evie’s shallow breathing to reassure him she was still there, Cullen stoked the fireplace. A servant came in and he barked a few things he needed from his office and quarters, and the servant was gone. Sitting on the couch, he pulled off his gauntlets, gloves, and unbuckled his pauldrons and breastplate. Setting them carefully to the side, he kneeled by the side of her bed. This time, he gently took one of her hands in both of his. He held it, resting his forehead against her fingers, and closed his eyes. He began to speak softly.

_O Maker, hear my cry:_   
_Guide me through the blackest nights_   
_Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked_   
_Make me to rest in the warmest places._

_O Creator, see me kneel:_   
_For I walk only where You would bid me_   
_Stand only in places You have blessed_   
_Sing only the words You place in my throat_

_My Maker, know my heart_   
_Take from me a life of sorrow_   
_Lift me from a world of pain_   
_Judge me worthy of Your endless pride_

_My Creator, judge me whole:_   
_Find me well within Your grace_   
_Touch me with fire that I be cleansed_   
_Tell me I have sung to Your approval_

_O Maker, hear my cry:_   
_Seat me by Your side in death_   
_Make me one within Your glory_   
_And let the world once more see Your favor_

_For You are the fire at the heart of the world_   
_And comfort is only Yours to give._

And then he thought: _Just love her. This is the something I can do._

 

And he gently, very gently, kissed her forehead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evie breaks through her unconsciousness, and remembers what happened.

Part 7  
 _Cullen_

Cullen spent the evening alternating between pacing the floor, praying, and trying to do paperwork. He kept the fire stoked, and made sure that, before the last servant left the room, he asked for help in getting her bathed and out of her ripped robes. He couldn’t bring himself to do it on his own, as he didn’t want her thinking she had been violated again, and this time by someone she trusts.

After her robes had been changed, and fresh wash basins brought in, he dismissed the servant. He brought the basin to Evie’s bedside table and set it down. He noticed his book that he’d borrowed, and picked it up. He thumbed through the pages until he found his note he’d left for her that night she fell asleep in his office. The folds were worn and the page looked like it had been wrinkled and smoothed many times. He sighed and placed it back in the pages he found it in. Setting the book down, he picked up a washing cloth and sat himself on the bed.

He brushed her hair out of her face gently, and studied her for a moment. If it weren’t for the cuts and bruises on her face, she would look so at peace. He dunked the cloth in the basin, wrung it out, and proceeded to wipe her face, washing away dried blood and dirt. He took his time, studying each injury, wondering what caused it. Each new wound made his blood boil hotter, but his touch remained gentle. As he finished, he placed the cloth to the side, and pulled her blankets up to her chin.

He had no idea how late it was, but sleep did not come easily. He tried to eat some of the dinner that had been brought up, but the food was cold and unappealing. He grabbed the book Evie had borrowed from him and settled in on the couch with a blanket. He glanced over at Evie occasionally, but continued reading until the candles were just stubs. It was then that he finally rolled over and fell asleep.

The room was completely dark when Cullen was woken from a deep sleep by blood curdling screams. He jumped to his feet, reaching for a sword that wasn’t on his hip, when he realized where the sound was coming from.

“No! NO! STOP!” Evie was shrieking. The sound made his heart stop. “No! Ow! Owww! Please!” He could hear her thrashing in her bed, fighting an attacker that wasn’t there. He flew to her bed, repeating her name softly.

“Evie… Evie, it’s me. It’s Cullen. It’s okay…” He knelt on the floor next to her.

“No! NO!” She was sobbing.

“Evie… I am here, love. I am here… shhh…” He moved in to wipe her hair off her sweaty forehead, and she wailed, before the slow recognition of who was with her silenced her cries.

“Cullen? Cullen, is that really you? Where am I?” Her voice sounded so small and afraid. She tried to sit up, and he stopped her.

“Shh, yes. You are home, at Skyhold, and I am here.” He took her hand and kissed it. “I am here.”

Evie rolled towards, grasping at the sleeves of his tunic with one hand, and squeezing his hand with her other. “What are you doing here? How did we get back here? What is…?” Her head fell against his hand. Her cheek was wet, but with tears or if a wound on her face had opened, but he didn’t care. His heart wrenched at seeing her like this. She seemed so small in this big space.

“Cassandra, Dorrian and Varric brought you home after… Brought you home.” He didn’t know how much she remembered, and he didn’t want to tell her anything she wasn’t ready to hear. He thought carefully about what to say next. “Do you remember anything that happened?”

“We were set up at camp… it was late. Sleeping, someone else was on watch. I was… In my tent.” She was fighting for the memory to come. “It was very sudden - I heard fighting, and yelling… There were three men in my tent. They… Oh… oh no…. Oh noooo!”

Evie broke down body-wracking sobs.

Cullen wasn’t sure if he should hug her, or back away, but the minute he tried to move, she clutched grabbed on to him with all the strength in her already broken body. “No! No, don’t leave me,” she cried. “You can’t leave me!”

“Never. I would never leave you. I will stay as long as you want me to.”

She pulled him closer to her, and he climbed up on to her bed sit. “I want you to stay,” she whimpered, “but will you still want me in your life after what happened?” She burst into hysterics again. “I am not fit to be here! I can’t be the Herald of Andraste. Who are we fooling?” Evie buried her face into his muscular chest.

“We are not fooling anyone, Evie Trevelyan. You don’t deserve what happened to you, but you do deserve the titles of Herald and Inquisitor more than anyone I know.” He kissed the top of her head. “This should not have happened to you. There will be vengeance.”

He felt the tears well up in his eyes, taking in her pain. Together, the wept through the night.


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8  
 _Cullen_

Evie stayed in bed for almost three straight days. She climbed out only wash and change into clean clothing. Her companions came to check on her, and would stay for an hour or so, but Cullen remained true to his word: He did not leave her. He sent Cassandra to fetch several days worth of under clothes for his armor, though he had no intention of wearing his armor. He ordered his men to send reports directly to his desk, and Cassandra or Leliana would retrieve them several times a day and bring them to him in Evie’s quarters.

After that night she woke up with the nightmares after returning to Skyhold, she barely slept, and she didn’t speak much except when she and Cullen were alone in the room. The conversations didn’t consist of much except him asking if she was okay or if she needed anything. Most of the time she just lay in a ball, lost to him inside her own head. On occasion, when he had been working from her desk, she would call to him and motion him over to her. He would sit beside her on the bed, and hold her hand. They wouldn’t speak; they didn’t need to. It was in those moments, she just cried.

The fourth night, Evie finally slept through the night. She woke up late the next morning, when Cullen was already hard at work from her desk. She sat up and watched him until he caught her eyes. She looked away quickly. “Cullen, that day you kissed me on the battlements… How long had you wanted to do that?”

He let out a half-laugh, leaned back in the chair and rubbed the back of his neck - his nervous tell. “Longer than I care to admit.”

“You don’t have much patience for nobility. I’m glad my title doesn’t scare you off.”

He couldn’t really see where this conversation had come from. “I hadn’t considered… I have no title outside the Inquisition. I hope that doesn’t… I mean ,does it... bother you?”

“Of course not.” She looked down at her hands, then back up at him.

He stood up and moved to the bed. He sat down and brushed Evie’s hair out of her face, “I’m not very good at this...am I? If I seem unsure, it’s because it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted anyone in my life. I wasn’t expecting to find that here. Or you.”

“The commander of the Inquisition forces, and the Herald of Andraste… such as I am.” She sighed and looked away. “People will talk.”

Whether she meant about their relationship or what had happened to her at camp, he wasn’t sure what she was worried about. Let them talk, if it’s about us. “You wouldn’t believe how quickly gossip spreads through the barracks.” Maker’s breath, why did I say that.

“Does it bother you?”

“I would rather my - our - private affairs remained that way.”

“Me too.” She tried to say it under her breath, but he managed to catch it. Cullen put his hand under her chin and cupped her face. She refused to look at him, but leaned into his hand. “Cullen… I… I don’t deserve this.” She wiped her face and pushed her hair back into it’s usual ponytail.

“You do deserve this. You deserve every happiness.” Evie turned to look at him, her eyes wide with desperation very evident. “Evie, don’t you ever think that you are less than anyone because of what happened to you. I still… I will always want you in my life.” She placed a hand on his cheek, caressing it with her thumb.

“Cullen…,” she paused, her eyes searching his. “Thank you.”


	9. Chapter 9

_Evie_

She couldn’t ignore the Inquisition any longer. It had been weeks before she finally let anyone out of her inner circle see her, lest her emotions give her away. She had to get out of Skyhold proper and make it into the courtyards, the gardens… outside.

She wandered into her dressing room, and slid into something official, but still comfortable to her still slightly bruised body. She found a set of her older mage robes and slid them on. She tugged at the neckline - it was tighter than she remembered - before fumbling with her belt. She brushed her short hair and tied it back into it’s usual ponytail. When she emerged, Cullen was waiting for her.  
  
“It’s time for me to go back out, Cullen.”  
  
“It is. I am sure everyone is anxious to see you out and about.”  
  
“I’m really scared.” Her voice was almost childlike. Cullen took her hand gently and sat down on the couch with her.  
  
“It is scary. What you have been through is scary. And the thought that people may figure things out is exceptionally scary.” He touched her cheek. “And you are allowed to be scared. You are still a person like the rest of us. No one expects you to not feel anything.”  
  
She looked down at her hands, then up at him. “How will I move on? I’ll never be able to sleep at night out there.”  
  
“You just… will. You will figure it out somehow. You are stronger than you know, in more ways than one.” He closed his eyes for a second. “Can I give you some advice? I mean… as someone who knows what sleepless nights are like?”   
  
Evie drew in a breath.  _All these weeks it’s been about me. What I will do. How I will get by. What about Cullen?_  “Maker’s breath. Cullen. Cullen, how have you been these last few weeks? Have there been any nightmares? Have there been-”   
  
“If there had been a problem, I wouldn’t have stayed,” he shrugged.   
  
_If I can throw myself into the problems, I won’t have to deal -_  The thought was cut short by Cullen. “Besides,” he continued, “These weeks haven’t been about me.”   
  
“I don’t want to make it all about me.” Evie snapped. Instantly, she felt bad. She didn’t mean to yell at him. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to… I just… I need something else to think about. I need to be busy again.” She stood up from the couch and walked to the top of the stairs, before hesitating. “Cullen…” she paused. “ Thank you for protecting the Inquisition, and Skyhold, and… just… thank you.”  
  
And with that, she held her head up to face the Inquisition, and took off down the stairs.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evie has finally gone back out on expedition, and Cullen gets back to his routine... of sorts.

_Cullen_

It was her first expedition in months, and he had finally gotten back into the routine of his days. He settled back into the day to day of being back in his office, and barking orders as though he had never stopped. It seemed someone always needed him for something, or he was sending troops somewhere, or he had to handle a situation with the soldiers, or.. or.. or… The list was never ending.

It was late one night when he finally had been able to strip down to his small clothes and fall into his bed. It was still a strange sensation for him to be there rather than on a couch in Evie’s quarters, but he was grateful for the space, especially when the nightmares came. He would never would tell anyone, but more than once while staying with Evie, he managed to throw himself onto the hard stone floor. He wouldn’t ever tell her though. He was lucky not to wake her when it happened, because, he feared, she would never get back to sleep if he had.

His head was pounding, the familiar feeling of craving coursed through his skin. It was not one of his worst days, but he could recall better ones... The times he was with her, she somehow seemed to make it better, tolerable even. She made him want to be a better man. His thoughts drifted to times they spent together. Maker, he wanted more from her, but he could not, not after what happened. He needed her to feel the desire too. He felt a twinge in his gut, scolding him for having such thoughts, and he immediately was guilty. But the way she played with him that day in the secret library... the way she smelled of rose and jasmine wherever she seemed to go. The scent filled his memory as he drifted off to sleep.

He thought he had just dozed off when he heard the blaring of the horn signaling the return of the Inquisitor and her entourage. And he probably had, too, as the sky was black as ink when he opened his eyes. Fumbling for the lantern next to his bed, he turned the wick up slightly so he could see. It was so dark, he guessed the moon was clouded over, which would have made Evie’s travel that much more difficult. Cullen reached for where he’d thought he had dropped his pants, but he couldn’t find them. “Odd…” he said aloud, before reaching for the dresser that held his shirts. He couldn’t get the drawer to open. He had half a mind to yell at Sera first thing in the morning, but the thought barely crossed his mind when he heard his door open quietly below. Deftly, he moved to the top of the ladder, looking to see who it was. He saw a soft glow of light and heard the door click shut, but no other sounds.

He knew Skyhold was one of the safest places he could be, but he never could be sure where an enemy would find a member of the Inquisition, and one could never be too careful. Cullen practically held his breath waiting to see if a figure emerged into his line of sight, such as it was with the darkness encircling him. He was not prepared to take out an intruder, nor was he really dressed to fight one, but he was going to have to make do if necessity dictated.

Slowly, the light made it’s way to the ladder. Cullen held his breath and tried not to move. As a shadowy figure followed the light, he inhaled quietly before letting out a big gasp. It was a silhouette he would be able to pick out anywhere. Before the light could get any closer, he found himself half way down the ladder, racing to grasp the woman in his quarters. Evie had never come to see him in the middle of the night, especially right after returning home. She typically was in high demand, but she always required a bath and tea before settling down to work on business again.

“Evie! Eve-” He couldn’t get her name out a second time before his arms were around her and his face was buried in her wild red hair. “You’re back! So late? It’s good to see you!” He wasn’t sure where to start, he was just glad she had made it home from the excursion to the Hissing Wastes. When she didn’t respond, he took a half step back to look at her. It was then that he realized something didn’t look right. It was Evie, but she looked… off, somehow. The familiar, faint green light that usually emanated from her left hand was a pale shade of blues and purples. Her eyes looked sunken in, as though she hadn’t eaten in weeks. It was then he realized this was not Evie. This was not the brave, strong woman he had come to know over the last months. He took another step back and shook his head.

“Who are you? Why are you here?” He demanded. he began making his way along the wall, feeling for anything he could use as a weapon. Why did his office seem so foreign to him?

“You will not survive.” A voice that didn’t belong to Evie croaked. “You cannot save yourself. You cannot save anyone.” The figure moved toward him. Behind the form, Evie stood, his Evie. She looked broken down, and as soon as the shape moved from her, she sunk to the floor, her hands tied behind her back, her mouth gagged. She looked at Cullen with fear and pleading on her face.

“Demon, you cannot…” he continued feeling his way around the wall. “You… cannot… You cannot have her!” He felt the heat growing in his face.

“It is not her I want,” the shape continued to morph. Before him transformed a Desire Demon, turning the light in the room shades of purple of blue. “But I will take her if I must.”

“No!” He lunged toward her, but a small river of a deep blue liquid formed around her, springing forth out of the stone floor. He stopped before he touched it, reaching for her. The river was too wide to pull Evie across. Evie looked up at him, fear written across her face. He had never seen her so scared. “I will get you out of there.”

The river - Lyrium he realized - set his blood on fire. A feeling like metal coursed across his tongue, and his head began to drum. He could dive in, and it would be gone. This all would be over. He could get to Evie, and his pain would be gone.

“You can’t save her,” the demon repeated. She raised her hand and made a whipping motion toward Evie, and a blue whip shot from her hand, whipping Evie across the face. Evie cried out, looking away, closing her eyes, and he saw the blood dripping down her face. The demon moved her titillating body seductively toward him, her bare breasts swaying, with their gold nipple rings reflecting the blue light of the room around him. “You are useless the way you are. Usless!” The s-sound sounded like a hiss off her tongue. “You know what you must do in order to save her…” The voice trailed off.

Cullen moved away from the river, looking at the Inquisitor, helpless to reach her, and the demon followed his moves. She moved closer to him, reaching out. The air around him became filled with a blue smoke. It swirled around him, caressing his shoulders as a lover would caress another. With another hand, the demon whipped at Evie again, drawing more blood. Evie screamed with pain, but Cullen could barely hear her now. He closed his eyes, and breathed deep, letting out a half moan that could only be brought about with the right type of touch. If he could just.. He could…Just a touch… from an old lover...

“NO!” He yelled, tears beginning to well. “No! Evie!” He finally found his way to his desk, but all he found was a lyrium set. He stared at it briefly.

“It’s there and ready for you.” The demon was close enough to caress his face. He picked up a vial in each hand, before smashing them both on the desk. Lyrium, broken glass and blood were all over his hands.

“I will not! She deserves better! I will not fail again! I will not let you take her from me!” He was sobbing, and flailing out to push the demon away. “I will not! No!” He sunk to the floor, looking at Evie, who could barely move, blood running onto her chin and shoulders, and he hung his head.


	11. Chapter 11

_Cullen_

The sobs and screams coming from his own body woke him from his nightmare. He was wound tightly in his blankets and sheets, dripping with sweat. He sat, thankful that it was still dark. Hopefully he had not been loud enough the night watch heard him. It also meant that it was likely no one had.

He slunk out of bed, still in his small clothes, and made his way to his wash basin. He splashed some of the now-cold water in the bowl onto his face and neck, rubbing the sweat and memory of the desire demon from him. He slammed his hands on the top of the bureau and looked up at himself in his mirror.

 _I will let her down._ He shook his head. _I will let **them** down._ It wasn’t just about her. But, Maker, it was. _She didn’t ask for this. We forced ourselves on her_. He ran a shaking hand through his hair and wandered back to his bed. He slumped back, leaning against his headboard. He didn’t care that it was cold in his room. He was lost back inside his head, this time by choice, and wondering how the Inquisitor was doing on her first long expedition away from Skyhold since she had returned home, beaten and broken. _So much has been forced on her. So much she did not want - did not ask for._ _But_ , he thought, _she wasn’t going to let it get to her._

Even during their time together, when she came back out of her shell, she fussed over him. She made sure he ate, and took breaks from his work. They didn’t leave her quarters, she had repeatedly said she wasn’t ready to face the Inquisition. But she remained devoted to the cause - the role she didn’t even want at the forefront of her mind always.

The idea of a day out with her turned over in his mind. Maybe that was exactly what they needed. They needed to be removed, if only for a day or two, from the cause that demanded so much of them. _I need to talk to her. I need to tell her I am not as strong as she needs._ This would give him the chance to do that. _I want to be so much more for her. She deserves more. The Inquisition deserves nothing less than my best._

The call for the pre-dawn change of the guard drew him out of his mind and back to the fact that morning would soon be at hand. With wispy thoughts of a day alone with Evie, he slid back onto his pillow, and drifted into a restless sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evie and her "brothers" finally get back out there, and she seeks a little help from Dorian.

_Evie_

Evie and her hart, Joey, plodded through the Hissing Wastes, along with the three she had deemed her “brothers” - The Iron Bull, Dorian, and Varric. Granted, she already had brothers, but she was closer with these three than she ever had been with the elder Trevelyan siblings. (The fact that she and Dorian were somewhere very distantly related was just an added bonus.) Traveling with the three of them was what she imagined growing up with her brothers would have been like. It was all jokes about bodily functions (which even Dorian was disgusted at, bless his proper Tevinter heart), who could hold their Dwarven ale better (Bull could drink them all under the table without even putting in an effort), and other inappropriate topics. She loved every minute of it. She was totally content letting the three of them wager on her successes and failures, and just listening to them.

Evie had been exceptionally quiet on this mission, taking care of business with the Rifts, and almost showed fear in having to handle some Red Templars. But she had her boys - her brothers - taking care of her every step of the way. As they slowed approaching the camp they had set up when Scout Harding first arrived, Dorian and his stunning jet black stallion sidled up to her.

Loud enough for the party to hear, he tried to put Evie into the jokes. “We have a Ben-Hasrath with us. A spy. An actual Qunari spy.”

Evie bit her lower lip, trying to suppress a grin. She was dying to see where this was going to go.

“That doesn’t bother anyone?” Dorian was yelling at this point. She knew he was trying to provoke Bull. She let out a small giggle, and waved down Harding as they drew close. She dismounted Joey, hugged him, and handed him off to a scout to get watered and fed.

Bull and his strider ran up past them. “Says the Vint. When we’re fighting Vints.”

Dorian let out an indignant sigh as he slid off his horse. “That’s… not a terrible point. Okay.”

Varric trotted up on his Shetland pony, quite inappropriately nicknamed “War Horse of Doom.” “Boy, that backfired on you, didn’t it Sparkler.”

“Oh shut it. At least I don’t smell as bad as either of you two savages.”

“Come on, you can do better than that.”

“I will… just not right now. I’m to tired to come up with insults.”

Varric chuckled as he slid off War Horse of Doom.

Evie grinned and shook her head, making her way to the fire. The walk felt good, as she was sore from riding. Her fellow mage followed her, and put his arms around her shoulders. “How are you, my friend?”

She let out a breath, “I’m… okay. Dorian, I’m okay.” She draped her arm around him, looking over, and smiled.

“No, you’re not. I mean, you are, but I know you pretty well, and you have got something on that pretty little mind of yours.”

“No there isn’t. Just tired.” She dropped onto a log by the fire, and he followed suit.

“Liar.”

“No, that’s… mostly true.” She put her head on Dorian’s shoulder. “I don’t know, Dorian. What am I going to do?”

“I’m going to pretend I have no idea what you’re talking about, and make you tell me.”

“I’m going to need something to eat first.” She went to stand, and Dorian pushed her back down.

“Tsk, tsk, Inquisitor. Allow me.” Dorian snapped his fingers in the air twice. “Oh Varric! The Lady Inquisitor would like some wine and some dinner please. Make that two.”

Varric’s head popped out of a tent. “Sorry, Sparkler, you’re on your own.”

“Damn that dwarf,” Dorian said under his breath. Evie chuckled. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”

He got up and went to raid the food stores, coming back with a loaf of bread, some cheese, and some wine.

“This will have to do, I’m afraid. No one is cooking right now, and I am not going to be responsible for manhandling some creature to make dinner.” He sat back down.

Evie pulled out a small pocket knife and began slicing the bread. Dorian stared her down. “Now, out with it,” he demanded.

She finished cutting the bread and bit into a piece thoughtfully, unsure how to start the conversation. “Dor, what do you know about lyrium withdrawal?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I never really use it. I know you take it on occasion, but not as much as… say… a Templar would.”

“I knew it! I knew you’d been thinking about our dashing, daring Commander!” Dorian clapped her on the back, causing her to cough out bits of her bread. “Ooh, charming, Inquisitor.”

Evie took a sip of her wine, and swallowed hard. “I’m serious, Dorian! I mean, yes, I  have been, if you must know. But, is there anything I can do to make it easier on him?” She was concerned about his welfare. After all she’d been through, she was concerned about everyone else, even still. “I have seen it a handful of times in the circle, but I could probably count on one hand the number of times in the 25 years I was there.

Dorian nodded while chewing his food. “There is a bit of healing magic I know, but with that anchor on your hand, it might hurt you a little to do it.”

“I can handle it. Cullen was so good to me when I needed him. I need to be there for him.”

“Oh-ho! Cullen is it now? Well, well! I didn’t realize we were on a first name basis with the Commander!” He grinned and mussed Evie’s already messy ponytail. She blushed a deep shade of crimson. “Okay. Well, he’s probably got nightmares, physical aches from cravings, nausea… not to mention he’s probably got days where he’s more irritable than others. He may even hallucinate, if it’s bad enough.”

Evie whistled. “I had no idea. He told me, sort of, but I didn’t realize it could be so bad.” She turned to face Dorian, and placed her hands in his. “Okay, show me what to do.”

“Are you sure you want to do this? What if he doesn’t want your help?”

“At least I’ll know what to do if he does want it. Please?”

Dorian rubbed her hands quickly, then stood up, pulling her up with him. “Alright. But let’s move away from the camp, lest anyone else catches on to what you’re trying to learn and why.”

***

It was well past dark when Evie and Dorian returned to the camp. The others were sitting by the fire eating some kind of roast animal that Bull had collected for them.

“Hey! Boss! I saved you the best part!” Bull held up a giant ram leg for Evie. It was as thick as his forearm and about as long.

“Um, thanks, Bull. How am I supposed to eat all that?” Evie pulled a log up to the fire and sat. “How about we share.”

“I’m okay with that!” Bull chugged his ale.

Harding was showing Varric her map and talking about all the different things they’d encountered along the way. “This is going to be great! Hey did I tell you about my book? ‘All This Shit is Weird.’”

“Varric, what a terrible title for a book!” Evie threw a piece of meat at him. “I can’t wait to read it.”

“Oh you’ll get the first copy…uhhh...”

“Still no nickname for me, eh?” Evie feigned hurt.

“I’m… saving it for a surprise.”

“Sure, sure. As long as you make it a good one.”

And with that, the night settled in to one of teasing, jokes, and laughter among the friends. In the morning, they would ride for Skyhold.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though this story isn't meant to be plot heavy, but more pieces of a story of love and war, this is really just kind of a fluff chapter. This may be the last Cullen-centric chapter for a bit, as I'm starting to have a hard time reading him.

_Cullen_  

He was still waiting for her to return from the Hissing Wastes. Her last missive was brief, and no letter just for him, which was disappointing. All it said that he could hold onto was the line “We should be back in seven days.”

That was six days ago. She should be home tomorrow. He’d had a week to try to pull himself together, but the tremors, the headaches… they made him irritable and tired, but unable to sleep.

He tried to convince himself to go to bed - he just had to make it through one more night before he could talk to her. Maker, he was enthralled by her. But he had to let her know of what he was afraid he could do to her if the withdrawals got to bad. He couldn’t let anything happen to her. Not by his hand.

The night was filled with dreams - mostly unpleasant, but thankfully not lyrium induced nightmares. He dreamed of the night they left Haven, when he left her behind because she’d demanded it.

He had been sure she was dead. She was the only one to stay and attack the Elder One. Roderick had told them about the path that could get them out, and Evie had demanded that Cullen lead the Inquisition. If it was her Corypheus wanted, then that’s who he’d get.

Cullen didn’t know what had happened to her. Only that there was a trebuchet fired, then nothing for a long while, then another trebuchet, followed by an avalanche. It was so cold, and the snow blew so hard that there was no way, if she had survived, she would make it to them without dying from the freeze.

The moment he’d found her, his heart leapt into his throat. She was buried in the snow, and barely moving. The green from her hand was crackling, and he had been terrified that if the snow hadn’t hurt her, her hand may have. And all he and the others could do is fight. She was alive, thank the Maker! Blessed Andraste, Evie Trevelyan had survived! But they could do nothing but fight. She had been through horrors, and stood face to face to a demon that could destroy them all, and the world they know.

Cullen tossed and turned, but did not wake.

He dreamed of the mark on her hand. He dreamed it consumed her-the green light creeping up her arm, and over her chest. He saw it happening, and was powerless to stop her. The sickness that was his lyrium withdrawal left him unable to move. Down her stomach and legs. She screamed in fear, pleading with him to make it stop. Up her neck, over her head. She was glowing, and he could see nothing but fear. He finally reached for her, as the pulsing, cracking light moved into her mouth and down her throat. She became a body made of the anchor. He grabbed for her, pulling her close, but as he wrapped his arms around her, she simply vanished.

The emptiness in his arms startled him awake. His head was pounding, but not like from his normal, vivid nightmares. As usual with him, it was still dark out, but he could see the sun starting to peek up over the horizons. It was the most restful sleep he’d gotten in a long time, though he was still exhausted.

He washed and dressed, down to his armor, and left his tower to patrol the ramparts with the morning guard and take in some breakfast. He knew he shouldn’t worry about her. She was a strong fighter, and carried herself well in battle. His training as a templar told him he shouldn’t ever worry about her falling to any sort of demon, either. He mulled over his conversation with her about that. He wished she’d never asked him, because he couldn’t get the thought out of his head. _Just one more thing to worry about._ Why couldn’t things be simple?  _Because if things were simple, we’d never met. I’d still be in Kinloch, or Kirkwall. She’d be in Ostwick, and that would be that._

Standing from the table, brushing any lasting crumbs from his chin, he decided it best to get his day started. He could see out the window that his subordinates were already looking for him.


	14. Chapter 14

_Evie_

They had spent some time in some cities that had made it hard for Evie to want to return to Skyhold. How nice it was to just blend in with the crowd at the marketplace, no one begging her for help, or to close a rift, or for advice.

But she knew that was impossible. Besides, Cullen was at Skyhold, and she couldn’t just leave him with no explanation. She missed him greatly, and getting back to him helped her continue on. Cassandra, who was like a sister to her, despite their rough start, would have taken it as a personal insult. But still, the temptation to not have to save the world, to not have her own hand trying to kill her, was there.

She meandered through shops in town when she could get a little time away from her traveling companions (which was easy, because Varric was usually skimming some poor sod in the tavern at a game of Wicked Grace, and she was pretty sure that for as much as they aggravated each other, Dorian and Bull may have struck up a relationship). She liked when she could shop for her own items, or pick up small trinkets for her friends, to show she was thinking about them.

On that day, she had some spare time, so they stopped a little early in a small village on the way. There wasn’t much to the tiny town, but there was an inn with clean beds, and a market to replenish some supplies. The Bull had gone to the inn to start in on the day’s drinking, but Evie decided to wander the markets with Dorian and Varric.

“You call this shopping, Inquisitor? There’s hardly anything here!” Dorian turned up his nose at the arrangements of flowers and fresh fruit in one shop’s display. Varric had wandered ahead of them, looking to see if anyone had any “fine Dwarven crafts, direct from Orzammar,” or something like that. Not that he needed anything. He just needed to brag to someone about Bianca.

“Dorian, be nice. This is a nice little market in a nice little town.” Evie shoved him slightly, and he grinned and shoved her back.

“What are you even looking for?” He mused, picking up random knickknacks, and looking at leather bags as they wandered through the outdoor market stalls.

“Ohh, I don’t know. But I’ll know it when I find it.” She pulled a gaudy hat out from one of the racks. “Whaddaya think?” She loved doing this to Dorian. The look of pure horror on his face was too much for her to bear, and she about died laughing. It felt good to laugh, and she was glad for the chance, even if she was still cut and sore from her mission.

“Evie, don’t SCARE me like that!” Dorian placed one hand on his heart and let out a deep sigh, which made her laugh even harder. “I’m going to find Bull. I can’t shop with you any longer if you chose to spend your time looking at such catastrophic millinery.”

He spun around and stomped off.

“Fine!” Evie shouted after him. “See if I buy you any new hats to wear to Orlais again!”

Still chuckling, she continued to stroll through the market, making small purchases - a poultice for healing her injuries, some honey and bread at breakfast time (a guilty pleasure of hers) - until she happened upon an artist and his works. He had stunning works from the Free Marches, what appeared to be parts of Orlais, and what she imagined to be parts of Ferelden she hadn’t seen yet.

“My Lady, to what do I owe the pleasure?” an older man with kind eyes peeked around his easel. His face was framed by a long white beard and mustache, and a longer, but well-kept head of silver-white hair on top.

“I - I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she stammered.

“No interruption, dear. Happy to talk to anyone who is interested in my art.” He stood and stretched. “Probably time for a break anyway.”

“Your paintings - they are beautiful. You must travel a lot to see such places.”

“Oh thank you. I do, for several months, and then I come back home to sell what I’ve got. I can’t very well keep them all!”

Evie envied his freedom to go from place to place as he saw fit. “No, of course not.” She looked over the paintings, before she spied one that caught her eye. It was a small lake with a dock, and a small cabin off in the distance. The trees were afire with the colors of autumn - reds, oranges and yellows lept off the canvas. The sky was blue and the water looked so peaceful. “Where did you paint this one?”

“That? Well… that was just outside of the village of Honnleath. Beautiful area, especially that time of year.”

Evie didn’t even think twice before the words, “I’ll take it,” leapt from her mouth. “Whatever the cost, I will take it.”

The man looked at her hard for a second as she fiddled with opening her coin pouch.

“No charge.”

“I’m sorry?”

“No charge. I think anyone with a reason to buy a painting that fast, without questioning the price, is thinking of someone special when they do.”

“I can’t not pay you for it, Ser…”

“My name is Brannon Archforth, My Lady. And consider it a gift to the Inquisition.” He winked.

“What? How did you - “

“My Lady, I have been around enough to know when someone is trying not to be noticed.” He gave her a gentle smile. “Besides, you’ve got a pretty serious bruise on your cheek, and a gash peeking from your collarbone.” He went back to his easel. “I notice things about people.”

Evie tried to argue back that she must pay him for the art, but he pretended not to hear her as he went back to his work.

She took the painting down, and thanked Brannon. “I promise, this is going to a wonderful home.”

He simply smiled, nodded, and went back to his work.

Evie walked back towards the inn to put her painting away for the evening. When she looked back to the older man’s stall, he was engrossed in his painting.

***

“You there! There’s a shield in your hand, block with it! If that had been a real enemy, you’d be dead by now!” Cullen looked cross. “Lieutenant, don’t hold back. The recruits must prepare for a real fight, not a practice one.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand, bracing himself on a nearby tree. As he did, the horn pronouncing the Inquisitor returned blared. In a flash, he was making his way to the stables.

Evie was just starting to take items off Joey when Cullen arrived. She was struggling with her moderately sized art purchase, when she caught a glimpse of his golden hair coming through the sunlight.

“Don’t look!” She called out, and he stopped moving.

“What? What on earth are you doing in there?”

“I have something for you, but you can’t see it yet.”

“What do you mean, you have something for me? What could I possibly need?” His boots strode toward her, and her heart skipped a beat.

“Cullen, don’t! I want to surprise you!” She frantically began looking for a way to hide the painting, but in a stable, there was no where to put it down that it wouldn’t be ruined.

“Let me help, Boss.” Bull came to her rescue. “You bring that… wherever it needs to go. I’ll make sure the rest of your gear gets to your quarters.”

“I... can… do… it…” She huffed as she precariously held the painting in one hand and tried to remove her pack from Joey with the other.

“No, no you can’t,” Bull said, and he picked her and the painting up, moving her to the side. He began unbuckling the pack and gathering her belongings.

When Evie just stood there, he looked at her. “Well? You goin’ or what? I’m sure you and _the Commander_ have important things to _discuss_.” He gave her a sly smile. Evie attempted to punch him with her free hand, but only proceeded to hurt herself and make him chuckle, “She’s all yours, Commander!”  

Evie walked over to Cullen, and trying as best she could to keep the painting from him, hugged him hard. He kissed her softly on the cheek. “You’re home,” he purred.

“I am. I am glad. I have more scrapes than I care to count this time,” she said, wincing at the feeling of the one going across her collarbone.

“I had Solas make you up a poultice jar. I left it in your quarters on your desk.”

“Thank you! That was considerate of you. I will definitely need it.” She pulled the collar of her shirt down to show off the latest gash in the collection.

“Inquis - Evie! What was that from? It looks like a sword wound.” His brow was furrowed and concern was on his face.

“It doesn’t matter now. I’m home, and I’m here, and this is for you!” She smiled up at him, and he leaned in and kissed her on the forehead.

“You’re right. It doesn’t matter now. And what do you mean that is for me?”

“Let’s go up to your office, and we’ll find a place to put it.” She started walking, trying to keep the image hidden from him.

They chatted about what she encountered while she was gone. He talked about the troops and the training. She asked about how he was feeling, and soon, they were back at his office.

“Okay… now, if you don’t like it, I’ll take it and hang it somewhere else, but…” She turned the painting around. Cullen looked at the painting, and fell silent.

“Oh no. You don’t like it. It’s not - “

“No! No, not at all. How did you…? I know this lake. I used to go there as a boy to get away from my siblings.” He gaped at the image as he took the canvas from her hands. “Where did you find this?”

“A painter at a marketplace on our way back. He said it was just outside of Honnleath, and when you told me about your childhood, I thought you might like it.” She paused, looking at him. A single small tear rolled down his cheek. “You do like it, right?”

“Evie… I… I love it! It looks exactly the way I remember it. I don’t think I can thank you for this.” He put the painting down, leaning it carefully on his desk, and embraced her. Pushing her ever messy hair out of her face, he kissed her, long and hard. She winced at the pain of her injuries, but she didn’t want him to let go.

He pulled back, apology written all over his face. “Cullen, it’s okay. We are at war, this will be a fact of life for the immediate future. Though, that healing poultice sounds good right about now.” She sniffed. “As does a bath.”

“No, don’t. There are still some hours of daylight. Wait right here.” He took off up the ladder to his bedroom, and rummaged around for a few things. She could hear him banging some furniture around and muttering to himself. Just a few moments later, he was coming back down the ladder with a canvas rucksack packed to the point of almost exploding.

“Go to your quarters. Pack for two nights. Bring the poultice so we can tend your wounds. I’ll go get horses together. Meet me at the stables in 15 minutes.” He looked excited, and eager to share something.

“Cullen, what are you on about? I just got back!”

He pushed her out the door. “Just go. I’ll talk to Cassandra and let her know.”

***

She was walking to the stables when Cullen met her with his horse, a beautiful bay gelding, and her chestnut mare. He had enough packed up on them for what looked like a week! But, to her surprise, he was out of his armor, and in more casual traveling clothes, with a cloak on. His sword was in it’s usual place by his side. “I feel almost naked without it,” he’d remarked once.

She mounted her horse, still sore from her last ride, and slid her staff onto her back over her own cloak. “I wish you’d tell me where we were going.”

He gave her a lopsided smile. “You know the cabin in the painting?”

“Yes…?”

“That’s where we’re going. Just you and me. For two days.”

And with that, he took off, not seeing Evie blush five different shades of red.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has my first ever attempt at writing smut. Please be kind!

_Cullen_

They rode on in silence for a little while. Cullen knew the route by heart, though it had been years since he’d been to his hometown. He’d been out of Ferelden for over 10 years before the Inquisition had arrived at Haven, but you wouldn’t have known it with the ease with which he navigated it.

He raised his eyes to the sky now and then, giving a silent prayer of thanks to the Maker and Andraste for the opportunity to take some time away from the Inquisition. A few times, he could be heard reciting parts of the Chant while they rode. It was a kind of meditation for him. Evie did not join in, but she rode silently next to him, glancing his way now and then.

“I don’t know why we’ve never discussed it... “ Cullen looked over at her, “but do you pray?”

Evie looked down at her hands, and rubbed her left, the home of the anchor. “No,” she said thoughtfully. “I did once, just before my Harrowing. But that was it.” She sounded sad.

“Oh. Can I ask what you prayed?”

She was quiet for a moment longer. “I asked the Maker to take my magic away. I wanted to go home, for there to be some mistake.” She looked back at him. “But there was no mistake.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. How many times had he heard that before? Too many times to count. So many mages at Kinloch and Kirkwall had said something like that to him during his years. He’d come so far from those years of thinking they were right to be ashamed of themselves.

“For what it’s worth, I am glad the Maker made you as you are.” He cast her a loving smile.

“Heh, such as I am, I guess.” She gave a heartless half smile back. “My magic is the reason I was at the Conclave. Why I’ve been branded with this… This.” Evie threw her left hand up in the air and sighed. “I guess it can’t be all bad. It did lead me to you, after all.”

Cullen’s heart soared.

“Can I ask you something now?” Evie asked.

“Of course. Anything.”

“How are you fairing without the lyrium?”

He was hoping that wasn’t what she was going to ask, but it was fair for her to wonder. He cleared his throat before answering. “It’s… been a challenge, I won’t lie. There are nightmares. Bad ones at times. Headaches… But you shouldn’t trouble yourself with my problems.”

“Cullen, I care about you, and… And it’s not trouble to worry about you.”

“Maker… you are a rare and wonderful thing.” They locked eyes for a minute, before Evie blushed and looked forward.

***

The sun was just beginning to set by the time they reached the cabin. “Cullen, how did you even know this cabin would be vacant?” Evie dismounted her horse and stretched.

“Aren’t I entitled to some secrets, Inquisitor?” Cullen grinned.

Evie gave him a little shove. “From me? Never. Out with it, Ser.”

“Oh all right. I purchased this cabin when I joined the Inquisition. I wanted to have a place to come to if I ever had the chance. I needed something close to my home town to bring be back to my center - remind me of who I was before I was a Templar.”

“Wait. You own this cabin?” She yelled to him while she gathered their belongings and Cullen tended to the horses. They had a small paddock hidden behind the cabin with a shelter for the animals.

“I do. This is the first I’ve been out here since I bought it though. I had Josephine take care of furnishing it for me, so I can only imagine what the inside looks like.”

“Well, I’d go inside and see what you ended up with… But, the door is locked.”

“Right! Right.” Cullen jogged over, and produced a key from around his neck. He kissed Evie quickly on the nose, and then opened the door.

***

“Have we got everything inside now? I thought you said we were only coming for two days!” Evie sank into a large chair.

“We need to eat while we’re here, and I didn’t know what we would need, so I may have over packed…”

“I’m too tired to eat…” Evie said as she curled up in the chair. She sucked in a breath as she contorted her body to fit in the overstuffed arms of the chair.

“Why don’t you rest, and I will start a fire and make us some dinner.” Cullen brushed the hair off her forehead and kissed her. She was asleep before his lips left her skin.

***

She woke up about an hour later, the smell of dinner wafting through the cabin. Cullen was putting a loaf of bread on the table as Evie shuffled over, sleep still glazing her face. Cullen’s face was soft and relaxed, and he smiled as she snaked her arms around his neck and burying her face in his neck. “‘whsss fer dinner?” She mumbled into his skin.

“For you, tonight, we have fresh caught trout, bread, and some strawberries!” Cullen beamed. “I also found a bottle of mead that Josephine must have had left here with the furniture when it was set up.”

“Mmm. Sounds perfect.” She unwrapped her arms from around his neck and plopped in a seat at the table.

***

After dinner, Evie took some time to bathe and freshen up. She had packed a comfortable cotton night shirt and put that on. She grabbed the salve that she had packed for her wounds and walked into the bedroom. Cullen was there, undressed from the waste up, cleaning up with the wash basin in the room. Evie lifted one foot up onto the bed, and began smoothing the tincture over her wounds. He watched her for a moment, before walking to her, placing a hand on her hip. “Let me help you.” He took the sweet smelling cream from her hand, and guided her to sit on the bed. Kneeling on the floor in front of her, he gently took her leg and finished coating the gash on her calf with it. He traced the mark with his callused, gentle hands.  

He fussed over each scratch and bruise, and shook his head in anger at the gash on her collarbone, that went down to her chest.  _I should be there. I should be fighting beside you._ But Cullen knew his place, just as he knew hers. She served from the pedestal the people had placed her on, the pedestal she did not want. Tentative fingers moved the neck of her nightshirt to the side, glancing up, looking to make sure it was okay that he did. She nodded. He began rubbing the salve gently on her. She whimpered softly as he did, and he kissed her shoulder.

Here, in this place, he could serve where no others could, where he would allow no other to serve. He kissed the bruise on her cheek very gently, before kneeling back down. He rested his hands on her knees, and looked at her, studying every curve of her face, the deep green of her eyes, and how her auburn hair, now down, and resting on her shoulders, framed her face and fell in her eyes.

“Cullen, I…” Before she could finish, she was pulling him up to her, slamming her mouth on his. The fire in his belly grew, from the anger and frustration of not being able to protect her, to the passion of being with this remarkable woman. Evie threaded her fingers into Cullen’s wavy hair, and he gently moved to embrace her.

He kissed down her neck, and she slid a hand down his back. “One of these days, you’ll regret wanting to be here with me.”

He kissed her other cheek and pressed his forehead to hers.

“You don’t need my problems, Cullen. You deserve someone you don’t have to be worried about all the time. Someone who won’t cause you nightmares on top of nightmares. You deserve to be happy.” Tears welled in her eyes.

He placed a finger over her lips to stop her from talking. “I have that. I have someone who makes me happy. All I could possibly want is right here, sitting in front of me.” He kissed one eye, and then the other, tasting the salty tears before they spilled out of her eyes.

He commanded every part of her in that moment. Hands searching, tears became kisses, worry became passion. He stopped, looking at her, waiting for her to change her mind, but she did not. She hooked her arms under him, and he layed her back on the bed. He slid a hand up under her night shirt, and cupped a breast, massaging it gently. A moan escaped her lips, which drove him even more.

He backed away, studying her face. “Are you sure you want this?”

“I have never felt safer.” She looked him straight in the eye, a look in her eye that Cullen hadn’t seen from her. A hunger, a lust he didn’t knew she had.

He tugged at her night shirt, pulling it over her head, and pressed himself against her naked body. She pressed herself into his strong chest, and attempted to untie the lace on his pants. Her hands were shaking, and she had trouble with the ties, but managed to get them undone. She pulled them down, and then pushed them off with her feet. She wrapped her legs around him.

How long could they continue to walk this line. Her hands cupped his buttocks, and he couldn’t ignore his need any longer. He delicately slid into her depth, a guttural moan escaping his lips as he did. She engulfed him - her heat, her desire, her passion, it was all for him. Never would he let another serve in this way.

She rocked her hips into him, and a slow and gentle rhythm began. Give and take. In and out. She raised her hips into him, making each strike true. Hands seeking to hold on, as if they might drift away from each other, mouths tasting the salt and skin of each other. Pain fell away, worry left, until it was just the two of them. Her name crossed his mouth like a prayer, a prayer lifted to the Maker, a prayer of thanks.

The bed creaked and groaned under them, and he anchored himself to her, for fear she may vanish. The cadence grew stronger, faster, more desperate. His nimble fingers touched her, made her sing for him. His head spun as he reached his peak, desperately wanting to take her with him on this wave of passion. He let himself fill her as she tightened and writhed around him. The commander never felt as free as he did in that moment.

Breathless, their bodies collapsed together on the bed. He did not let her escape the warmth of his body, though, pulling her close into him, his fingers lazily running through her hair and wrapped around her.

He could hear her whispering, something so quiet he wasn't meant to hear.

She was praying.


	16. Chapter 16

_ Evie _

Though it was well past sundown, the moon was full, bright, and shone through the windows of their cabin. Evie had decided it would be nice to take a walk around the land. Cullen had fallen asleep, and though she was exhausted, she couldn’t turn off her mind. She wanted to put the Inquisition behind her, if only for a couple of days, but thanks to her mark, she could never escape it.

The night air was almost cold, but with her cloak, it wasn’t bad. She walked slowly, turning over different thoughts in her mind. _Why did I have to be the one that survived? The bloody Anchor hurts my hand so much. Why does Cullen allow himself such pain? Will Cassandra relieve him of duty? He doesn’t seem to need it, I think he’s still okay. Where is Corypheus now? Oh, Maker, what if he is at Skyhold? No. I can’t think that way_. As she walked, she flashed magical fire in her hands. It was a mindless habit she had, and she didn’t realize she was even doing it.

She walked down to the lake, and slipping off a shoe, dipped her toe in. She shuddered, and tried to clear her head. At that moment, though, she heard a loud noise coming from the cabin.

_Cullen!_

Evie grabbed her shoe and ran to the cabin. She paused outside the door, making sure there was no one else inside but him. She could hear him pleading with someone… something… inside. “No… I will not… Maker…”

She slipped through the door and into the bedroom, where she saw his sweat-streaked muscles shining in the moonlight, as he was twisted into the blankets of the bed. This was the first time she had seen him in the throes of a nightmare, and it scared her.

Cullen’s hands were clenched into tight fists, and he was beating against the bed. There was shattered glass from a lantern on the floor, which he must have knocked off the bed stand while thrashing around.

This was what Dorian had instructed her for. She had to try. She took a deep breath, and moved toward the bed. She moved to lay her hands on Cullen, but he felt her moving, and reached around to swing at her, hitting her in the ribs with what she could only imagine was almost his full strength. _That’s going to hurt in the morning._

He continued to shout at an unseen lyrium demon, trying to hit whatever he was fighting off. She managed to lay her hands on his chest, just as Dorian had shown her, and they began to glow orange as she concentrated on her magic. The anchor seared her hand as the magic mixed, and she whimpered as the pain set in.

It felt like fire pouring through her body.

White light seared behind her eyelids. The pain of a hundred needles stabbed her hands. Acid churned in her stomach as the bile rose into her throat.

All the dragons she had faced, the demons she had vanquished, nothing made her feel as terrible as she did in that moment. She managed to open her eyes long enough to see his body relax and his face become calm. When she knew he was quiet, she pulled her hands off him and ran to the door of the cabin.

Air… can’t… breath… her thoughts were coming in flashes of words as her body ached and the contents of her stomach emptied themselves on the ground without Evie’s consent. When she finally was able to open her eyes fully, there was two of everything around her. Fumbling, she found her way to the couch in the living room. Cullen was finally resting soundly. She was not going to let him wake up because of her clumsy movements.

There, she attempted to get some rest, the soft sound of Cullen’s light snoring lulling her to sleep. 


End file.
